The Big Gloom
So when I said I would write next week I really meant I would write nearly next year. Sorry about that. I have had a hell of a year, when I say hell I really mean it. My physical health has been ok, a few ups and downs, but what has really killed me is my mental health – there you go, I said it, I have mental health issues. I don’t know if the two are related, mental health and MS, but my neurologist said that 75% of people with MS suffer from some kind of depression or anxiety. I guess a bunch of lesions on your brain can do that.
To be honest though, I think I have suffered from anxiety from a very early age, I used to be terrified of anyone close to me dying and refused to sleep on my own because I thought I would stop breathing – I would stay up for hours listening to my heart beat, convinced it was going to stop. Sorry mum!
However, I had never really experienced the depth of depression I have been experiencing in the last 12 months. I would like to be able to attribute it to MS but I think I would only be lying to myself. I guess I have come to a point in my life where I can’t be who I was in my 20’s and I am definitely not who I thought I would be in my 30’s. I am stuck somewhere in between, hating both realities.
I want so many things, love, laughter, joy, health, the list is endless but I can’t seem to find any way of getting there. I am pretty sure that lying in bed with my cat, dominos pizza and wine is not the answer – but I gave that a really good shot. So, 2014, I need you to be different, and I know I need to be different. If you promise to give me opportunities, I promise to take them with both hands cause these eyes aint got any more tears to cry.